In February, I was honored to win a space in a 6 week course with Randi Buckley called Maybe Baby. Here I was given a safe space to attempt to understand some of the roots of my deep seated desire to become a mother.
It wasn't that I was trying to change my mind, it was simply me trying to understand how I could feel as strongly as I did on an instinctual level, and an attempt to merge my rational understanding. I wanted to learn an openness within this no-longer-unspoken conversation.
I was in a relationship at the time where this topic carried a heavy weight. Just as my exploration began to take flight, my relationship appeared to go into an early labor. It was stillborn.
This appeared to be too much for my rational mind to handle, and sadly I had to neglect the beautiful process I'd begun. I watched from afar as best I could, and even that proved simply too painful for my stolid heart.
Amazingly, a peace had already begun to sprout within me. There was this new seedling aching to be nurtured, this new sense of accepting this unknown to be something greater than I might be able to imagine in my current place of understanding.
Mothering comes in so many shapes and sizes; I was humbled (and honored) to learn this decision isn't as straightforward as it may appear. Who am I to deny myself the litany of opportunities to experience the joys I associate with mothering today and again tomorrow? In just two weeks of guided exploration, I began to trust this unknown instead of loathe it's weighty existence.
I can now smile along with that ache; I understand more deeply that I cannot know the origins of this desire, nor where it will take me. Some things cannot be put into words. This unknown finally has an element of excitement to it, instead of being drenched in dread and fear.
Randi, dearest Randi, I cannot thank you enough for this delicious taste of peace.