Moving Through Tears

God I hate them
Keep them away
Haven't I cried

Enough

With and without him

"Just let go, my dear
They won't last forever"

So I cried the tears
That disappeared

Before I had time
To hate them

Intuition

A Moment's Past

My mind wanders
To moments passed:
Your touch, your smell,
The warmth of your being.

Hold. Grasp. Don't let go.
Alas, it is fleeting.

 For I am here,
Alone
With my frigid thoughts,
And nothing more.
A chill lingers in the air,
An emptiness.
I wait.
Silence. A ticking clock.
Then, the faintest smile.
"There, there, now. You are home.
You are here. You are enough."

 Like a wolf howling in the distance,
I can still hear the darkness calling.

Written on January 10th, prompted by how moved I was by Julie Daley's Until I Inhale.

Talk to Your Bones

My heart is knowledge
My mind a beast

I return to my heart
And feel me
Know me

But the sadness
The loss
The aloneness
My heart knows
all too well

Go deeper
Take it to the bones
Talk to your bones
They are the deepest
Strongest
Most unchanging
Core essence

Without feeling
Longing
Loss

Talk to your bones.




(Thank you Jeanne!)

Truth Exposed

You led me by hand
Into the night
Blindfolded
Smiling
Bare-boned

You told me to stay
"be right back"

And there I stood
Waiting
Smiling
So excited to see

As a chill
Swept across my neck

I waited
You called out
"I'm coming"
I stayed
Uncertain

I drew in the sand
My name and then yours
I believed in your presence
Claiming the smile
That is mine

Chilled
I grabbed my sweater
And drew it close

I returned to the sand

But when I looked up
Days, months had passed
You never came back

You left the truth exposed

And Then the Sun

I cried five tears for you,
Yet my heart had walked away.

No, these tears are not for you
You led my love astray.

I continue to stare
Off into the distance,

Waiting
For understanding
That shall never come.

Tearless. Empty. Torn.
Vulnerable. Exposed.

And then the sun.

Valentine's Disdain

With the abundance of love, I also see so much hate for Valentine's Day. While I understand the disdain for it's commercialization, I don't think this is what we have to give in to.

Instead, we should allow it to be a tender reminder, in case we have forgotten in our busy lives, not to take our most near and dear for granted. We should give in to renew the vow of love we established in the first place. By giving in, we allow our hearts to reopen; an equal opportunity for both men, and women, single, and taken.

It is a day of equality in love. Don't fear failing on this day; simply recognize the desire/need to love from your heart. And then give the love you have to give, generously.

Don't pay attention to the commercials making men feel inadequate in love and women inadequate in love-making, pay attention to your heart. Be called to pay attention to and serve the ones you love today. Be deeply grateful on this day, and let that be your guiding force.

Don't feel you have to run to the stores for their latest and greatest, and grab non-gas-station roses or be damned, lest ye forget. Yet if it helps you to express your love, or makes your beloved feel loved, then certainly utilize that vehicle. I encourage you to learn the love language your beloved speaks, as it may be different from the love you know how to best express.

This is not a day of shame. This is a day of celebration. This is a day to re-explore what it means to love, and to revisit the expressions of love. The more recipients, the better.

Here's to a loving Valentine's Day next year, for you and yours. 

 _ _ _ _ _
And last but not least, this post was, in fact, inspired by a male friend of mine who recognized this very thing while working at a restaurant on Valentine's Day. Thanks, Sean! 

Make It Work: For You

I just finished reading Chris Brogan's article on Skrillex. "Okay, enough," I hear myself say.

It's about time I learn about this guy, Skrillex that is, since I continue to see his name all over the place. I know he's music related, but I had no idea what the scene is surrounding him.

Pretty cool. Here's a guy working a brilliant business platform, as Brogan points out:

                    "None of them have time to hate.  

                    Here’s why: because the connection will carry you. 

                    The connection to your community is what each of 
                    these people used as a main gauge."

  
"The connection will carry you."

So true, yet so simple. 

I started thinking about the advice I overheard given to someone publishing their first book: "Don't read the reviews!"

I dislike book reviews. As a reader, I dislike book reviews. There's no context given to guide these perceptions, so I'll come to my own conclusion, thanks. I couldn't imagine publishing a book, then having someone tear it to shreds, again, without context. What an unfounded waste of time. Again, no thank you. 

I'd rather bask in the love and support of those who love and relate to what I do, who know and appreciate the painstaking work it takes to write laboriously, to hear myself speak the words "I did it" again and again, and not be exposed to the negative energy.

I think this directly relates to this new-found inner fire and sense of belonging I've acquired synchrosporadically this year. Yes, that would be: two parts synchronicity, one part sporadically.

Yet, my inner critic, Maude, is stepping in. She can't handle all these feelings of belonging and connectedness. 

"People are going to think you're weird."

"People are going to think you're nuts for associating with this stuff." 

And loudest of all:  

"By defining yourself in this way, you are secluding yourself from people who can't relate."

If you know me, you know I'm familiar with being well-rounded, as my mom called it. But as I start to find a place in this world that is a little more defined, I feel a slight threat to my well-roundedness. Yet, I sense this threat stemming solely from fear: from the recognition of difference, change, the unknown. 

So you know what? I'm going to continue stepping forward into this unknown. I'm going to continue defining my community and using that as my main gauge, instead of using everyone I know, because I think that is what will work for me, too.

As for Skrillex, keep doing what your doing, man, and keep feeling the love. 

_ _ _ _ _ 

Are you familiar with Skrillex and his business skillz? Do you agree this post is about the success that can be found in not caring what other people think? Do you struggle with this as much as you did when you were younger (relative to your age now)? Do you have a strong opinion on book reviews? Have you ever feared a sense of belonging or a sense of something new, even though it still felt right? Does your inner critic speak as harshly as mine? Any words of wisdom?

 

          

 

A Maybe Baby Scholarship (too good to pass up!)

Here is my 'application' for the Maybe Baby Scholarship: a conversation 
amongst women about our deepest biological confessions.

 __________

Oh, Randi. What an important conversation for so many women. Thank
you for putting it out on the table and striking down the taboo that
keeps so many of us in silence.

I grew up thinking everyone wanted to have kids. It wasn't until my
later teens when friends started voicing their ambivalence. It caught
me off guard completely. I didn't scream from the mountaintops that I
want to have kids, or HAD to have kids, I just saw it as the way my life is
supposed to happen. I feel it in my gut and my heart. I want to have that
experience... No, I am 'supposed to' have that experience.

What I didn't know: with those thoughts and feelings, a life 'plan' was
developing, an expectation, one that would create much anxiety, fear,
uncertainty and painful guilt in my future.

Truth: sometimes I wish I didn't want kids so deeply. I feel like
it would be so much easier if I could just go with the flow and allow
it to happen or not. The 'what ifs' creep in. What if I fall in love
with someone and much later find out one of us can't have children?
What would that mean for us? What if I don't ever find that person?
Or my current situation: What if I meet a soul-mate, someone who
already has 2 children, and is open to but unsure if/when they want
to have more? How do I deal with that uncertainty?

How do I know if I'm aligning my action (or inaction) according to
these fears vs. my many other true-heart desires?

And despite being able to rationalize this, how do I fight
the worst truth/fear BEAST of all: What if I am being punished
for something and I'm never given the opportunity?


All this ambivalence costs me the freedom I need to LET GO: to be
in the moment, to enjoy myself and my independence wholeheartedly
for who I am NOW. It costs me the freedom to embrace my amazing
relationship as it is NOW without feeling like I am waiting for an answer,
or guilty for needing 'check-ins' regarding this conversation.. or just being
too damn controlled by this biological tic-toc I've felt getting louder and
louder the last few years.

It costs me the freedom of feeling whole.

Knowing my truth would give me the peace I need inside my heart.
It would allow me the certainty of my actions instead of fearing
taking a step forward in any direction (related or not!), or fearing
the Butterfly Effect: that I might make the wrong decision, be it
ever so small, that may impact my future opportunities to have
children with someone I love deeply instead of ending up in
the dreaded place of desperation.

It would allow me to have this conversation freely with other women.

I want to let this go. I want to feel whole NOW. I want to let life happen.
I want to be free from this tug-o-war in my heart and embrace the truth
of what is meant to be and trust the unfolding process without ambivalence
toward action.

Thank you, so much, for this opportunity in a time when I could not
otherwise be a part of this transformational experience.