Thursday, December 6, 2012

Letting Go Of Discord

Prompt 1 #Reverb12

How are you starting this last month of 2012?

Take a moment, close your eyes, take a deep breath and ask yourself the question: how do you feel...

... in your body? in your mind? in your day job? in your creative life? in your heart? 

December came quickly. The week ended and boom: Better be prepared for a new month as well. Sometimes I really miss that 31st day. But all in all, I am ready to keep moving forward. My feet are unstuck, no more dragging in the mud. I feel adaptable and ready. 2012 has been an amazing year and I can't even begin to embrace the possibilities for 2013. I'm ready to sit and really work with what I want from 2013 (personally and professionally), but I've not done it yet. There's always a bit of resistance to planning because what if the plan fails? I have to remind myself how many times I thought I was going one direction and ended up in another, and how difficult it is to recognize this as something positive in the midst of the process. One thing I've learned this year: Changing course does not equal failure. Fluidity. I'm looking forward to this month carrying over into 2013 and moving forward in a fluid manner.

My body is anxious. I have an injury from 2009 that is yet to heal completely and It's holding me back and I've finally had enough. I cannot fathom my athletic days being behind me for good. Nope. But only I can make that happen. Stretching, lunges, movement... a commitment to change and work on fixing that torn ACL from a soccer injury. Starting something new always stirs a fear of failure... but my advice lately seems to be all about momentum. Any movement, even if my knee starts to get cranky for a while is better than no movement at all. 

Mind: I'm still embracing a few things. Letting go of discord has been huge for 2012. I've figured out a lot about what it means to belong (my word for 2012), and how important it was to find my tribe. People go around feeling so lost at times when really we are only creating that divide for ourselves. My mind is in a completely different place than it was a year ago when I was in the midst of temporary defeat. What a humbling experience. Part of learning where I belong was learning where I do not, and accepting that as well. Things have become so much clearer this past year; it's hard to grasp how drastically my world has changed.

My day job: Oooh. What an opportunity. I have been with this contract since March, shortly after returning to Savannah. I chose to temporarily leave behind my Interior Design pursuit as the job hunting for four years had me burnt out. I'd spent my time networking while trying to work my way into the industry. I was exhausted. The networking gave me momentum to get where I am today. It's been a challenge learning time management working from home since I'm used to being micromanaged. We need to teach competence so our workforce can be more productive and less concerned with what everyone else is up to moment to moment. We need to teach it so we can believe in our own abilities without an ongoing daily struggle. My world has changed drastically, and I'm okay with leaving the Interior Design behind for now. Maybe one day this will all come full circle. I am no longer concerned. I don't think our generation will ever be afforded the job security of generations past. But at the same time, job 'security' sounds rather boring. I can't imagine doing the same thing for the rest of my life. I'm a creature that needs to evolve with the world around me. I love seeing glimpses of going somewhere deeply meaningful in my life's work. I'm ready to define this more. I cannot quite wrap my brain around the fact that I have finally arrived and, of course, I fear losing this momentum. I fear missed opportunity as well as fearing being so close to opportunity. Sometimes our response to things makes no sense. (I definitely need to write about this more.)

My creative life ebbs and flows. I have moments of creative outbursts, and sometimes weeks will go by without much creativity. I need to keep that faucet flowing and make a point to allow a creative space in my world. I have so many resources around me for creativity it's easy to pick up where I left off, but I start back rusty. Again, I'm seeking fluidity for 2013. 

My heart. My heart is content beyond belief. Of course, in my humanness, I'm seeking someone to join forces with me, to be my copilot in life. I am happy as me and I am actually quite content alone, but I still would love there to be that special someone with whom we share the specialness of our day. But the truth of that longing is: I actually already do have people who care about my day. I have my tribe and they care about me and my moments of happiness as much as I need them in my life (and, oh god, do I need them!). I spent the first 19 years of my life not knowing where/how/if I belong. Not knowing if I'd ever find a place I want to settle. I'm done seeking, and I'm finally being. I'm present and alive, no longer cautious and small. I have big things to say, think, share, to dream into fruition in this world. I was taught to believe in myself, but for a long time I began to doubt whether that belief in myself even mattered. Now I see it does. It was only through my stubborn perseverance and a strong refusal to be jaded (though I wasn't always sure why) that I made it to this point. 

All in all... My heart is grateful.