Thursday, December 6, 2012

Letting Go Of Discord

Prompt 1 #Reverb12

How are you starting this last month of 2012?

Take a moment, close your eyes, take a deep breath and ask yourself the question: how do you feel...

... in your body? in your mind? in your day job? in your creative life? in your heart? 

December came quickly. The week ended and boom: Better be prepared for a new month as well. Sometimes I really miss that 31st day. But all in all, I am ready to keep moving forward. My feet are unstuck, no more dragging in the mud. I feel adaptable and ready. 2012 has been an amazing year and I can't even begin to embrace the possibilities for 2013. I'm ready to sit and really work with what I want from 2013 (personally and professionally), but I've not done it yet. There's always a bit of resistance to planning because what if the plan fails? I have to remind myself how many times I thought I was going one direction and ended up in another, and how difficult it is to recognize this as something positive in the midst of the process. One thing I've learned this year: Changing course does not equal failure. Fluidity. I'm looking forward to this month carrying over into 2013 and moving forward in a fluid manner.

My body is anxious. I have an injury from 2009 that is yet to heal completely and It's holding me back and I've finally had enough. I cannot fathom my athletic days being behind me for good. Nope. But only I can make that happen. Stretching, lunges, movement... a commitment to change and work on fixing that torn ACL from a soccer injury. Starting something new always stirs a fear of failure... but my advice lately seems to be all about momentum. Any movement, even if my knee starts to get cranky for a while is better than no movement at all. 

Mind: I'm still embracing a few things. Letting go of discord has been huge for 2012. I've figured out a lot about what it means to belong (my word for 2012), and how important it was to find my tribe. People go around feeling so lost at times when really we are only creating that divide for ourselves. My mind is in a completely different place than it was a year ago when I was in the midst of temporary defeat. What a humbling experience. Part of learning where I belong was learning where I do not, and accepting that as well. Things have become so much clearer this past year; it's hard to grasp how drastically my world has changed.

My day job: Oooh. What an opportunity. I have been with this contract since March, shortly after returning to Savannah. I chose to temporarily leave behind my Interior Design pursuit as the job hunting for four years had me burnt out. I'd spent my time networking while trying to work my way into the industry. I was exhausted. The networking gave me momentum to get where I am today. It's been a challenge learning time management working from home since I'm used to being micromanaged. We need to teach competence so our workforce can be more productive and less concerned with what everyone else is up to moment to moment. We need to teach it so we can believe in our own abilities without an ongoing daily struggle. My world has changed drastically, and I'm okay with leaving the Interior Design behind for now. Maybe one day this will all come full circle. I am no longer concerned. I don't think our generation will ever be afforded the job security of generations past. But at the same time, job 'security' sounds rather boring. I can't imagine doing the same thing for the rest of my life. I'm a creature that needs to evolve with the world around me. I love seeing glimpses of going somewhere deeply meaningful in my life's work. I'm ready to define this more. I cannot quite wrap my brain around the fact that I have finally arrived and, of course, I fear losing this momentum. I fear missed opportunity as well as fearing being so close to opportunity. Sometimes our response to things makes no sense. (I definitely need to write about this more.)

My creative life ebbs and flows. I have moments of creative outbursts, and sometimes weeks will go by without much creativity. I need to keep that faucet flowing and make a point to allow a creative space in my world. I have so many resources around me for creativity it's easy to pick up where I left off, but I start back rusty. Again, I'm seeking fluidity for 2013. 

My heart. My heart is content beyond belief. Of course, in my humanness, I'm seeking someone to join forces with me, to be my copilot in life. I am happy as me and I am actually quite content alone, but I still would love there to be that special someone with whom we share the specialness of our day. But the truth of that longing is: I actually already do have people who care about my day. I have my tribe and they care about me and my moments of happiness as much as I need them in my life (and, oh god, do I need them!). I spent the first 19 years of my life not knowing where/how/if I belong. Not knowing if I'd ever find a place I want to settle. I'm done seeking, and I'm finally being. I'm present and alive, no longer cautious and small. I have big things to say, think, share, to dream into fruition in this world. I was taught to believe in myself, but for a long time I began to doubt whether that belief in myself even mattered. Now I see it does. It was only through my stubborn perseverance and a strong refusal to be jaded (though I wasn't always sure why) that I made it to this point. 

All in all... My heart is grateful. 

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Maybe Baby continued...

In February, I was honored to win a space in a 6 week course with Randi Buckley called Maybe Baby. Here I was given a safe space to attempt to understand some of the roots of my deep seated desire to become a mother.

It wasn't that I was trying to change my mind, it was simply me trying to understand how I could feel as strongly as I did on an instinctual level, and an attempt to merge my rational understanding. I wanted to learn an openness within this no-longer-unspoken conversation.

I was in a relationship at the time where this topic carried a heavy weight. Just as my exploration began to take flight, my relationship appeared to go into an early labor. It was stillborn.

This appeared to be too much for my rational mind to handle, and sadly I had to neglect the beautiful process I'd begun. I watched from afar as best I could, and even that proved simply too painful for my stolid heart.

Amazingly, a peace had already begun to sprout within me. There was this new seedling aching to be nurtured, this new sense of accepting this unknown to be something greater than I might be able to imagine in my current place of understanding.

Mothering comes in so many shapes and sizes; I was humbled (and honored) to learn this decision isn't as straightforward as it may appear. Who am I to deny myself the litany of opportunities to experience the joys I associate with mothering today and again tomorrow? In just two weeks of guided exploration, I began to trust this unknown instead of loathe it's weighty existence.

I can now smile along with that ache; I understand more deeply that I cannot know the origins of this desire, nor where it will take me. Some things cannot be put into words. This unknown finally has an element of excitement to it, instead of being drenched in dread and fear.

Randi, dearest Randi, I cannot thank you enough for this delicious taste of peace.

Monday, March 19, 2012

On Wholehearted Living

If you've ever known a thing (or twenty) about vulnerability, or feeling disconnected... please, please, please take a moment to bookmark this video until you have some time to sit with it and give it your full attention. 

It is so worth watching, so worth soaking up the wisdom, so worth feeling this connection. 

I plan to return to this again and again to remind myself why I am me: why I prefer to be an open book, why I choose to share my stories no matter the underlying fears of judgement. 

She has affirmed my being to my core, and I believe she can do the same for you, as well. 

_ _ _ _ _ 
I'd love to hear your thoughts: 
Did you have a chance to watch it or at least bookmark it for future viewing? What was your favorite part of the talk? Did you sense, at any time, she was maybe talking about you? Did you learn anything new watching this discussion? Does it prompt any other questions or explorations for you? 

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Word Reiki: Chakra Writing

From the beginning: I was sitting in the shower (yes, I sit sometimes) thinking about how blogs differ, and how writers choose their content, and ultimately: what sense do I want to portray in my blog writing?

I had a thought: I immediately started looking at some of the blogs I follow, and aligning them with a specific Chakra - to see if it was doable. It works.

Not to say that these women (yes, all women here so far) don't blog from a multitude of sources and/or resources, it is just the overall sense I've gathered having followed, and possibly conversed with them in some way. I do hope to add to this post over time, this is just the very beginnings of this exploration. And I will be including some beautiful imagery I have already dreamed up. Stay tuned... oh yeah! (Accountability, no?)

So! Next time you are in need of some Word-Reiki, align your needs with these (and other) Chakra Writers... and feel your energy begin to flow. xo

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(Crown Chakra)
Pure Consciousness: Sahasrara's inner aspect deals with the release of karma, physical action with meditation, mental action with universal consciousness and unity, and emotional action with "beingness".*

Amy Oscar "I am a Soul Caller – a human being, emerging into the flow, aligning with and connected to Source, feet firmly planted on the ground."

(Third Eye Chakra) 
 Ajna's inner aspect relates to the access of intuition. Mentally, Ajna deals with visual consciousness. Emotionally, Ajna deals with clarity on an intuitive level.*

Picsie Chick at Photos You Feel "....where small things of beauty are held up for you to see, virtually every day."

(Throat Chakra)
 Relating to communication and growth through expression: Physically, Vishuddha governs communication, emotionally it governs independence, mentally it governs fluent thought, and spiritually, it governs a sense of security.*

Ronna Detrick "I help women tell the truth. It's hard. It's risky. It matters!"

(Heart Chakra)
Key issues involving Anahata involve complex emotions, compassion, tenderness, unconditional love, equilibrium, rejection and well-being. Physically Anahata governs circulation, emotionally it governs unconditional love for the self and others, mentally it governs passion, and spiritually it governs devotion.*

Julie Daley at Unabashedly Female "Do all of what you do with the great love that you are."

(Solar Plexus Chakra)
Key issues governed by Manipura are issues of personal power, fear, anxiety, opinion-formation, introversion, and transition from simple or base emotions to complex. Physically, Manipura governs digestion, mentally it governs personal power, emotionally it governs expansiveness, and spiritually, all matters of growth.*

Wholly Jeanne at The Barefoot Heart "Stories help me make sense of things, so whether telling them in cloth, clay, or chirography, stories are my oxygen, characters my blood."

(Sacral Chakra)
The key issues involving Swadisthana are relationships, violence, addictions, basic emotional needs, and pleasure. Physically, Swadisthana governs reproduction, mentally it governs creativity, emotionally it governs joy, and spiritually it governs enthusiasm.*

Kelly Diels at Cleavage "Cleavage is about sex, money and meaning and how those intersecting realities shape our ideas and our lives. I’m talking about intimate, mundane, thinky, cosmic stuff."

Michelle Lisenbury Christensen at Loving with Power "...take me up on this dare: pour your passion into your monogamous relationship, demand that it excite and nourish you as much as any affair or adventure, and let yourself be transformed by the process." 

Heather Plett at Sophia Leadership  "At Sophia Leadership, we explore creativity, leadership, spirituality, and community and the many ways they intersect."

(Root Chakra)
Muladhara is related to instinct, security, survival and also to basic human potentiality. Physically, Muladhara governs sexuality, mentally it governs stability, emotionally it governs sensuality, and spiritually it governs a sense of security.*

Dominique Browning at Slow Life Love "The thing is, I want to feel vulnerable. I want to be open. I don't mind feeling a bit lost, adrift, I tell myself. I just don't want to be buffeted around. I want grounding. So what's bothering me? That's when it hit me: I've slowly, insidiously, carelessly, lost my regular practice of Slow Love." 

Jenn Gibson and the Tribe at Roots of She "This is a gathering place made for connecting with other women who are walking along this path beside you."

Happy International Women's Day!

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My final thoughts:
This was a Labour of Love (click for some Frente tunage!) and appreciation for the aforementioned lovelies who continue to inspire me daily, as well as answer a few of the callings in the song I've linked. Thank you for sharing your wonderful gifts... with me, and the entire world.

*All definitions were taken from this wiki link: Chakra. All excerpts of each writer (or tribe) were quoted directly from their sites, to which I've linked. Enjoy!!!

UPDATED: 03/10/2012 - "Chakras" image (no, this is not my dreamed up imagery just yet) and the inclusion of Sophia Leadership.
_ _ _ _ _

Do you see what I'm on to here? Do you wish to add your blog to a certain Chakra list? Would you categorize any of these writers differently? Should I add a section of lovely writers that just don't fit the mold I've created? Please let me know your thoughts and feelings, including those of you I've included! This was really a really fun project for me to explore; thank you!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Protector

I once told a man I loved never to protect me.

He decided to keep something from me, thinking it would only hurt me to know. That couldn't have been further from the truth.

When I finally learned this, I warned him, "Don't you ever try to protect me again. I know me and I am strong. If we're in a relationship, your pain is my pain, your hurt is my hurt, your joy is my joy, and vice versa."

I told him I want a companion, a copilot, in this life. "Let's do this together," I said, "through thickness and thin." I don't expect perfection; I expect your truth on the table next to mine, the salt with the pepper, the honey with the lemon, the bitter with the sweet. Nothing more, and nothing less.

Time passed. Our relationship morphed. I trusted his word, his joy, his frustrations, his pain. One day I learned, he had done it again. He thought he was trying to protect me, out of love, nonetheless.

"If you love them, let them go."

Yet, he wasn't protecting me at all. He was protecting himself, from his own truth.

My realities: my love, my trust, my honesty... remain.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Stream of Consciousness

Today while writing my Morning Pages for The Artist's Way, I noticed something interesting happening. I can't say it's the first time it's happened, but it's the first time I really took note, with pause, and then truly allowed it to come forth.

My inner child/artist, the girl I've named Sophia, started speaking to me. I guess you can say I was cheering myself on, lifting myself up. But something about choosing to allow this to come forth, these words, this encouragement, felt like something more... powerful. I've had this happen repeatedly with my inner critic, Maude, who I've given a name for the same reason: clarity. And while, at times, I let her speak, I often just smirk at her insults. Hopefully.

Sophia's words to me this morning:

"I see beauty everywhere and it is constantly reflected upon you. Embrace this. 'You is smart, you is kind...' you is wonderful. Don't ever let another human being's actions tell you any different. I can keep going if you wish. But I want you to sit with this. Really sit with this. Sprinkle these words atop your oatmeal and devour them."

I thought this was so beautiful. It's a vulnerable thing for me to share. Maybe you think it's strange, or maybe you really get where this comes from. I hope, the vulnerable me hopes, for the latter.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Forgiven Forgiven

My demons are my friends;
I taught them how to love.

We sit together.
Observe together.
Learn together.

Together, we understand
"Kill them with kindness"
Comes not from revenge,
But the deepest recesses
Of love.

We will not allow
Your demons to impregnate us.

For we are happy
And whole
Without you.

In the words of Tara Brach,
"Forgiven, forgiven."

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Moving Through Tears

God I hate them
Keep them away
Haven't I cried


With and without him

"Just let go, my dear
They won't last forever"

So I cried the tears
That disappeared

Before I had time
To hate them

Monday, February 27, 2012


A Moment's Past

My mind wanders
To moments passed:
Your touch, your smell,
The warmth of your being.

Hold. Grasp. Don't let go.
Alas, it is fleeting.

 For I am here,
With my frigid thoughts,
And nothing more.
A chill lingers in the air,
An emptiness.
I wait.
Silence. A ticking clock.
Then, the faintest smile.
"There, there, now. You are home.
You are here. You are enough."

 Like a wolf howling in the distance,
I can still hear the darkness calling.

Written on January 10th, prompted by how moved I was by Julie Daley's Until I Inhale.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Talk to Your Bones

My heart is knowledge
My mind a beast

I return to my heart
And feel me
Know me

But the sadness
The loss
The aloneness
My heart knows
all too well

Go deeper
Take it to the bones
Talk to your bones
They are the deepest
Most unchanging
Core essence

Without feeling

Talk to your bones.

(Thank you Jeanne!)