Thursday, February 2, 2012

A Maybe Baby Scholarship (too good to pass up!)

Here is my 'application' for the Maybe Baby Scholarship: a conversation 
amongst women about our deepest biological confessions.


Oh, Randi. What an important conversation for so many women. Thank
you for putting it out on the table and striking down the taboo that
keeps so many of us in silence.

I grew up thinking everyone wanted to have kids. It wasn't until my
later teens when friends started voicing their ambivalence. It caught
me off guard completely. I didn't scream from the mountaintops that I
want to have kids, or HAD to have kids, I just saw it as the way my life is
supposed to happen. I feel it in my gut and my heart. I want to have that
experience... No, I am 'supposed to' have that experience.

What I didn't know: with those thoughts and feelings, a life 'plan' was
developing, an expectation, one that would create much anxiety, fear,
uncertainty and painful guilt in my future.

Truth: sometimes I wish I didn't want kids so deeply. I feel like
it would be so much easier if I could just go with the flow and allow
it to happen or not. The 'what ifs' creep in. What if I fall in love
with someone and much later find out one of us can't have children?
What would that mean for us? What if I don't ever find that person?
Or my current situation: What if I meet a soul-mate, someone who
already has 2 children, and is open to but unsure if/when they want
to have more? How do I deal with that uncertainty?

How do I know if I'm aligning my action (or inaction) according to
these fears vs. my many other true-heart desires?

And despite being able to rationalize this, how do I fight
the worst truth/fear BEAST of all: What if I am being punished
for something and I'm never given the opportunity?

All this ambivalence costs me the freedom I need to LET GO: to be
in the moment, to enjoy myself and my independence wholeheartedly
for who I am NOW. It costs me the freedom to embrace my amazing
relationship as it is NOW without feeling like I am waiting for an answer,
or guilty for needing 'check-ins' regarding this conversation.. or just being
too damn controlled by this biological tic-toc I've felt getting louder and
louder the last few years.

It costs me the freedom of feeling whole.

Knowing my truth would give me the peace I need inside my heart.
It would allow me the certainty of my actions instead of fearing
taking a step forward in any direction (related or not!), or fearing
the Butterfly Effect: that I might make the wrong decision, be it
ever so small, that may impact my future opportunities to have
children with someone I love deeply instead of ending up in
the dreaded place of desperation.

It would allow me to have this conversation freely with other women.

I want to let this go. I want to feel whole NOW. I want to let life happen.
I want to be free from this tug-o-war in my heart and embrace the truth
of what is meant to be and trust the unfolding process without ambivalence
toward action.

Thank you, so much, for this opportunity in a time when I could not
otherwise be a part of this transformational experience.

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