Saturday, May 21, 2011

Maude and the Divided Self. Truth: Part 7.

The Penitent Mary Magdalene (1825) Civica Gall...Image via WikipediaFirst, let me make this clear: I do NOT have a Split Personality disorder. 

I do though, have a habit of beating myself up, ferociously.

I hear that Inner Critic, that Censor, as Julia Cameron calls it in The Artist's Way.  I have to make it known, mostly to myself, that THAT voice isn't my Truth.  She is instead my demon, my serpent, my daily dose of self-inflicted torture.  She is crude,  a smart-ass, and a know-it-all.  She is pessimistic beyond comprehension.

She hates change; she balks the instant she senses an opportunity to talk down to me, and barks self-loathing accusations repeatedly until they are heard.   She makes me feel like a burden, exposed, ashamed, a maudlin: undeniably unworthy of anything I desire.  She is my FEAR, embodied.

I felt it appropriate to give her a name.  Her name is Maude. This name seemed fitting enough, simply to remind me how deep (and quick) her lies soak into the cloth of my being.

A little history on the term 'maudlin':
1607, "tearful," from M.E. proper name Maudelen  (c.1320), from Magdalene  
(O.Fr. Madelaine ), woman's name, originally surname of Mary,  
the repentant sinner forgiven by Jesus in Luke vii.37 (see Magdalene). 
In paintings, she was often shown weeping as a sign of repentance. Meaning "
characterized by  tearful sentimentality" is recorded from c.1631.

Ahh, it makes so much sense now.  I do not feel I have empowered this presence by naming her.  I feel now I can reason that she IS NOT speak my Truth, and I can now tell her, by name, to SHUT UP. 

I also have another voice that I hear or rather, sense.  This voice is quiet, like a child, maybe she is a child, my inner child.  I've been seeking a name for her.  She speaks my Truth.  She is serene... Serena... no, that name is close but not quite right.  Something soft, silent, strong, just as she is.  I'm a fool for alliteration and the 'S' was sticking with me.  It's been nearly 2 weeks in seeking.

I hadn't found it, until tonight.  As the stars align, leading me from one Renegade Conversation to another, I find myself reading a new blog (new to me) called Sophia Leadership.  I am quickly drawn in, I soak up post after post.  I find myself seeking the meaning of this name, Sophia Leadership, though the connection has not yet been made.

In the top right corner of the blog I find my answer:  

"What is this about? 
Sophia: Greek word for wisdom. A word that is feminine, 
spiritual, intuitive, creative, visionary, and compassionate. 
Leader: Anyone who steps forward with courage to influence people toward action."

 She is my Sophia.  That voice: that gentle, sophisticated, trusting, honest, strong yet soothing voice, is my Sophia.  It feels so lovely to be able to acknowledge her for everything that she is.  She speaks from all of these things: my femininity, my spirituality, my intuition.  She speaks (and craves) my creative freedom, and my true vision.  I can feel her gentle persistence when I ignore her, but she is patient and kind with me.  And most importantly, her essence of compassion embodies my Truth. 

I can work with this.


  1. Of course, "Sophia." Feminine wisdom embodied, enjoined, within. She dwells within each of us - journeys with us; sometimes in patient silence, other times in tender whispers, and still other times with strong, not-to-be-denied volume and clarity.

    And she's WAY smarter than Maude. You've got nothing to worry about. Listen to her. And let her speak. She will not lead you astray. Ever.

    A beautiful post, Sera. Truly.

  2. Thank you so much for your comment, Ronna. I know your words are so true, I just have to keep repeating them to myself (and hearing them from others) so I don't forget.

    This post resonated so deeply in my heart when it was finished.

    I've also noticed something interesting: my Sophia speaks to me... she uses my name. She looks into my eyes, and into my heart.

    Maude speaks at me. She is a general voice that is just looking for anyone to listen.

    That recognition may be another topic to explore in another post.

    Thank you so much for helping make this a conversation!

  3. This is beautiful, Sera! I'm so glad my blog was a source of inspiration to you. Yes, indeed, Sophia shows up when we need her. :)

  4. Heather, Thank you for speaking your truth and ultimately helping me get closer to mine. That's the story of truth-telling isn't it? Namaste. <3