I do though, have a habit of beating myself up, ferociously.
I hear that Inner Critic, that Censor, as Julia Cameron calls it in The Artist's Way. I have to make it known, mostly to myself, that THAT voice isn't my Truth. She is instead my demon, my serpent, my daily dose of self-inflicted torture. She is crude, a smart-ass, and a know-it-all. She is pessimistic beyond comprehension.
She hates change; she balks the instant she senses an opportunity to talk down to me, and barks self-loathing accusations repeatedly until they are heard. She makes me feel like a burden, exposed, ashamed, a maudlin: undeniably unworthy of anything I desire. She is my FEAR, embodied.
I felt it appropriate to give her a name. Her name is Maude. This name seemed fitting enough, simply to remind me how deep (and quick) her lies soak into the cloth of my being.
A little history on the term 'maudlin':
1607, "tearful," from M.E. proper name Maudelen (c.1320), from Magdalene
(O.Fr. Madelaine ), woman's name, originally surname of Mary,
the repentant sinner forgiven by Jesus in Luke vii.37 (see Magdalene).
In paintings, she was often shown weeping as a sign of repentance. Meaning "
characterized by tearful sentimentality" is recorded from c.1631.
Ahh, it makes so much sense now. I do not feel I have empowered this presence by naming her. I feel now I can reason that she IS NOT speak my Truth, and I can now tell her, by name, to SHUT UP.
I also have another voice that I
I hadn't found it, until tonight. As the stars align, leading me from one Renegade Conversation to another, I find myself reading a new blog (new to me) called Sophia Leadership. I am quickly drawn in, I soak up post after post. I find myself seeking the meaning of this name, Sophia Leadership, though the connection has not yet been made.
In the top right corner of the blog I find my answer:
"What is this about?
Sophia: Greek word for wisdom. A word that is feminine,
spiritual, intuitive, creative, visionary, and compassionate.
Leader: Anyone who steps forward with courage to influence people toward action."
She is my Sophia. That voice: that gentle, sophisticated, trusting, honest, strong yet soothing voice, is my Sophia. It feels so lovely to be able to acknowledge her for everything that she is. She speaks from all of these things: my femininity, my spirituality, my intuition. She speaks (and craves) my creative freedom, and my true vision. I can feel her gentle persistence when I ignore her, but she is patient and kind with me. And most importantly, her essence of compassion embodies my Truth.
I can work with this.